This page is my honesty when I cannot tell it in the midst of people.  This page is meant to be a place that I fear to read, and where the people who have done wrong may fear to read.

Two years ago, I was in a relationship that cost me my innocence.  It cost me valuable time at work, time with family, and time with my truest friends.  I got caught up in lust, in confusion, in immediate satisfaction.  I was involved with someone who took advantage of my inexperience.  We had been friends for almost seven years, attended the same church, had weekend retreats, and served on ministries together.  The truth is, I knew that they couldn’t be trusted, that something was wrong with them the day that I met them.  They were different, however, I wasn’t going to let that hamper a possible friendship; we should always try and meet and befriend people different than us, but I knew that they were unstable and that maybe they could change for the better.  That never happened.

Over the course of two months, things were wrong.  They were a bit blurry; I don’t remember spending other time with friends, at social functions, with family because I was consumed by a lustful habit.  When it ended, I was upset with them because I was upset with myself.  I had never been in a serious relationship with another person; definitely not one that was physical.  They knew this, and still went forward, all the while maintaining our evenings together while they cheated on their spouse with me as well as with another person out of state.  Our ties were severed and things became very different.  Later that same year, I was thrown into an incredible depression.  I spent two nights away from home at a hotel just to try and sit and wrestle with my thoughts, wrestle with God.  That weekend was dark.

The leaders from my church at the time found out and I went into therapy for almost a year.  During that time, this person reached out for support and understanding from me, but I had nothing to give.  I had no idea how to process what happened and where to go and with whom to talk to.  I shared with my closest friends what had occurred, and they supported me.  My worst fear was that the church would take away some of the most privileged things I had come to love and cherish, but they did not.  Instead they prayed for and comforted me.  This is an understanding that most people in community do not encounter; they don’t have this kind of support.

As I have been working through how everything transpired, I realize now how much I was at fault for just not taking heed of my own reservations and gut feelings in the matter.  I now see that I was USED as their escape for their personal turmoil.  Their grief, anxiety, feeling of no direction; need for escape.  They took it out on me.  They felt no remorse in taking advantage, they felt no shame in taking and not giving.  They felt, in the end, that they were the victim in this instance; and that couldn’t be further from the truth.

The dictionary definition of ‘Victim’ is a person who has been attacked, injured, robbed, or killed by someone else. A person cheated or fooled by someone else.  Someone or something that is harmed by an unpleasant event…

I. AM. VICTIM.

They took advantage of me and tried to hide it.  They were dismissed from their job, involvement in ministries, and I though I initially felt bad about the dismissals and their pain, I have gone through the phases of grief, I have seen and heard His promises and forgiveness and now decide to move on as someone in recovery.  God gave me Isaiah 53 today as a reminder of all the things I had done, He took them, without complaint, to make me clean.  I may not be perfect, I may not be guiltless in this life, but overall, God has made it so.

So, this is the beginning of my re-start, my victim story.  I must re-learn how to approach friendships with people.  I must re-learn how to trust people.  I must walk with God to help discern what is right and pure and worthy of His time and my own.  In all my honesty, I have not forgiven this person in my heart for what they have done, however, the shame and tragedy of what happened will not mark me as someone cast off and without hope forever.  I’ll be what He calls me to be.  But right now, these are my musings.